What does it mean to sit with your emotions?

Many of us hate being told to sit with our emotions. It feels too big and way too abstract. Our analytical brains don’t know what this really means. We are problem solving creatures and feel most comfortable with doing, but in our ‘doing’ culture we feel as though we need a fix, a method, or a strategy, and this often gets translated to our emotions as well.

We are conditioned to the process of identifying the problem and finding a solution. We unconsciously have the expectation that we have to solve the problem. Emotions don’t work this way. Emotions are not problems to be fixed. Emotions are interconnected with our thoughts. Thoughts can fuel emotions and emotions can fuel thoughts. Emotions have a physical sense; we experience them in our bodies. This can sometimes feel like a tightness or an ache. Emotions are not facts. They often give us bits of information about what we might need.

We have emotions whether we like it or not. I see it this way: we are creatures that are constantly responding to our experiences and our environments. And it is through this awareness of our responses that we can fully understand ourselves. Responses are not problems to be fixed.

Sitting with our emotions means tuning into our awareness and acknowledging what we are observing.

Oddly, the simple act of acknowledging whatever it is through naming the emotions such as ‘I feel angry’ or acknowledging the sensation ‘I feel tense’ allows for space for the emotion to run its natural course. Emotions are meant to flow similarly to waves on a beach. Emotions are identified, they peak and then settle. Often after they settle, we can naturally get a sense of what it was about or what we might need. We do not need to go searching for the answers.

When our emotions go unacknowledged we run the risk of suppressing, ignoring, or avoiding. And we can only hold so many emotions within ourselves before they leak out which can feel messy and uncomfortable. This can lead to big emotional reactions, often anger, shame or anxiety, that do not match what is occurring in the moment. This is what is happening with road rage. Our anger is rarely just about being cut off in traffic.

One complication is that our emotions are not always straightforward.

We often feel many emotions at the same time and can also feel contradictory emotions simultaneously. I can feel love for someone and also feel angry with that same person at the same time. So in this emotional process, the idea of sitting with your emotions can feel impossible. Or it leaves us feeling so uncomfortable in our bodies we desperately want to escape ourselves.

Another problem is that emotions can be really difficult to detect.

Sometimes all we feel is off. This ‘off’ feeling is often felt in the body first. For example, this past week I felt that off feeling even though it was a completely normal week. I felt irritated but nothing unusual had occurred. Something just felt off in my body. Now in the past, I would have likely gone down my usual trajectory of unconsciously looking for something to blame, most likely in my partner, and ultimately provoking a fight with him. This would have looked like me nagging him about not putting his dishes in the dishwasher and would have likely been followed by a “You never clean up after yourself!” Thankfully, this time I didn’t do that. I just allowed this awareness to be there. Throughout the week I observed how grumpy I was. I felt physically sick with a headache and an upset stomach. I noticed how easily I snapped at my partner. Saturday came and I had the day and the house to myself, I needed this space to really be with what was happening inside. That morning I started writing about how angry I was. I just noticed how it felt in my body, being careful to not search for the story of my anger. I didn’t want to create a narrative surrounding this anger. Eventually, the anger settled into tears of grief, memories of Christmas mornings with my sister and memories of all the disconnected moments, and the loss of moments we never got to have. My sister died last year, and at times, my grief can surprise me. I just needed space to really connect to the emotions and release it through tears. That was it!

So it doesn’t always go smoothly and we can flip and flop in the discomfort and irritation of emotions, but sitting with emotion requires a lot of turning inwards, allowing, and awareness.

In my therapy practice, clients come to me wanting a step by step recipe of how to be with their emotions. They often have an expectation that it is a skill to be mastered. But really sitting with our emotions is often just about breathing through uncertainty, patience with being uncomfortable, and trusting that feeling wherever you are in the moment will guide the process, even if it is anger or numbness.

We often simply need space for this, and the ability to slow down enough to be with ourselves. Our work is about unblocking this natural process. We can do many things automatically and unconsciously to shut down, avoid or distract ourselves from our emotions.

Creating space for this process can be a challenge for our busy lives. I like to have lots of time to process but we do not all need the same thing. Sometimes it is more about learning to pause before reacting. Pausing requires us to become acquainted with how our emotions show up for us. We easily do this with others, especially with children. We intuitively know when something is up for a loved one as we can see it in their facial expressions or body language. Do we know this same thing for ourselves?

What blocks this process for you? How do we know when we feel blocked? Do you literally feel a block in your body? Or do you also feel that same off feeling that I do? What do you need to allow your emotions to flow naturally?

I encourage you to sit and reflect on these questions. The act of thinking about, or journaling about these questions will make us more aware of this abstract unconscious process. And perhaps at the end, or at the beginning of your day, check in with yourself. Ask yourself how you are feeling and how your body is feeling. This is the beginning to a more meaningful relationship with yourself.